So please take a few seconds to admire my new TV stand. I love it.
Okay, anyway recently I lost perspective and started to see everything very negatively. My other half made a joke at my expense, something that I would have normally taken in a light hearted way, and I cried because all I could think about was what a shit person I am. I’d taken his joke seriously, lost my sense of humour, and insulted him by thinking he’d be that rude to me and actually mean it. Once I started crying I couldn’t stop. A lot had happened in the last week or so and I was fed up…
-There was an issue at work where I had to write a ‘reflection’ on my actions (turns out it wasn’t my fault and I received an apology from management)
-I had just been told that I needed 2 hearing aids
-Me and my other half had a difficult but constructive conversation where we talked about our approaches to communicating with each other (which I think I took far too seriously and blew way out of proportion)
-I’d spent an unhealthy amount of time focusing on my non-existent relationship with my mother and lack of social life
It all compounded into me thinking ‘Why would anyone want to bother with me?’ ‘Everyone must hate me’ and ‘I don’t like my existence’. It’s been a long while since I’ve been blinded by such a negative attitude. I felt completely alone. His silly joke was the final straw and I cried a lot. Because this type of misery had happened before, and I’d previously asked him for advice, he felt he had nothing left to say and got annoyed at me for not remembering what he’d said last time. Eventually we engaged in conversation about what was missing in my life and considered the following points:
-I’d been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries about child-murder and abductions and stuff… (which we didn’t think was a huge boost to a low mood)
-I’d stopped attending my pole dance classes due to my Ménière’s disease (and not replaced it with anything, so lacked the social aspect and the exercise/body confidence boost)
-I hadn’t been out for a night out in ages
-I hadn’t been able to see my clinical supervisor at work for over 2 months which meant I hadn’t had access to the counselling-style support I’d appreciated for such a long time.
Together we made a plan with some action points:
-Stop watching so many documentaries about human misery; limit them to 2 per week max. Watch more Disney etc
-Go to a new exercise class
-I went on a night out last night (and plan to go out on more with my new work colleagues)
-My other half will try to have more supportive conversations with me if I let myself get that upset again
-If I struggle more we’ll think about getting me to see a counsellor (always good to have a back-up plan)
It was empowering to sit with him and think critically about what had went wrong for me to end up in such a miserable state. I now have a better perspective and actually feel tonnes better, hence my silly amounts of joy over a new TV cabinet. I love it. It looks brilliant. His family also came around and he cooked Thai food for all of us. My night out was brilliant too! It further gives me confidence that I have the power to repair my own low mood and poor mindset… sometimes I just need a shove in the right direction it seems.